You wish you were never born?

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Have you ever wished you were never born in this world? If you did, I understand because I’ve been through with that. During those times, I couldn’t understand why did I have to continually struggle from the moment I woke up to the last conscious breath before I fell asleep. It seemed to me there was no meaning behind my sufferings. Worse, the feeling of solitariness, when no one seemed to care and bother I existed was somehow slowly killing my reason to live. When I looked around, everyone was so busy with their own lives and I asked, “Who am I to deserve their attention?”

During those times, I went inside the church and stared at the crucifix. I said to the man hanging on the cross, “Oh, Jesus! Talk to me. Help me. Tell me what to do.” I waited for hours while I kept my eyes fixed on his face. I anticipated for an apparition like what happened to the saints, assuming those stories are true. I waited patiently. Nothing happened. I came back and did the same thing over and over again yet nothing magical happened. It was then I realized I was of no worth. I asked, “Who am I to deserve his attention?”

I looked up to the skies and said, “God, if you really do exist, I think I’m just a nobody compared to the billions of humans down here. You know my struggles but I still fail. So why am I here for? Why did you ever let me live in this world when all I experience is failure? Please take away my life. When I sleep later, please don’t let me wake up. Let me die, oh, God!”

I said those words again and again yet I still continue to wake up every morning. The more I believed there was no God. No one was listening to me. There was no one out there. The more I believed we’re all alone in this world out of pure evolution with no direction, that after all these things, we’re going to die. No heaven nor hell.

Here I am now experiencing all over again the same old story… However, I went back with my belief in God because it’s better this way. I feel better, although with no solid proof at all. But when emptiness hits me, I’m tempted to wish I wasn’t born at all. What I just do is to hold the hand of my wife at night. Then before leaving for work, I see my kids greeting at me. Then everything is alright.

P. S. Sana kung ano mang nangyayari sa buhay mo, kapit lang sa Diyos. Kung hindi ka man naniniwala na mayroong Diyos, sana man lang kumapit ka sa mga mahal sa buhay mo.

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